My 11-year-old son has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness, although we are waiting on confirmation testing. The illness has many and varied disheartening side effects, and a very high mortality rate (85% in 10 years after diagnosis). My wife and I have so far only told him that we are trying to find out, and waiting to hear from the doctors—which is true. How do we best handle speaking with him about this? How do we help him not "give up" when he learns the prognosis? He is a naturally curious child and will want to learn all he can about it, but I am at a loss as to talk to him about it, as we will need to do.
Questions Listed Under Parenting
Click on a title or click open the "+" icon to reveal answers to each question.
-
We sincerely grieve with your family concerning the tentative diagnosis you mention. To our dear Lord we commend you and your son.
What, when, and how you share information with your son will to a degree depend on things I do not know. His spiritual as well as emotional maturity are factors you will take into account. From our perspective it is of highest priority to emphasize and reinforce the truth of your son's eternal safety and security through Christ his Savior and ours. That allows us to place what we normally classify as bad and disappointing news side by side with what is pure, unconditional, and unchangable good news. Also important is how you speak with your son, that is, with confidence in your Lord Jesus, thankful joy in the assurance of your eternal well-being, and faith that our saving God does all things well, even when he makes choices we would not choose for ourselves. Your son will quickly pick up on your attitude and to a degree reflect that as he comes to grips with the information you eventually share with him. Also valuable in situations like this is the use of your pastor as well as medical doctor who may stand alongside you as you relay information and strive to put it into a suitable perspective.
Other than that I urge honesty and direct speech coupled with your love and concern for your dear son. If you show no sign of "giving up" but a resolve to receive what God gives you and to do your best to respond with childlike faith and a cheerfulness that flows from the joy of being a redeemed child of God, you may expect your son to cope with the situation. Will there be hard moments of emotional upheaval? I suspect yes. But Christ will never leave you or forsake you and your son. His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, will bring you through as more than conquerors through him who loves you (see Romans 8:28-39).
-
What can parents do if an adult child strays away from the faith? Our daughter quit going to church when she was in college. She is now in her mid-twenties, still will not go to church, and does not want to talk to us about it.
Our sincere sympathy goes out to you parents. The grief that Christian parents of a backslidden child endure is great. This heartache is compounded when parental control is diminished or lost because the child has become an adult and is able to silence or willfully ignore and despise the testimony of the parents. In general you have three tools at your disposal:
- You can pray. Keep your daughter in your intercessions. Ask God to act providentially to get and keep her attention and interest (even if it be through severe trials). Ask him to supply Christian witnesses to law and gospel who may be given access to her when you have been shut out. Ask God for the ability to continue to love her and have confidence regarding her return to repentance and faith, rather than growing bitter or despondent because of your disappointment.
- You can offer clear though limited testimony to law and gospel when opportunities surface. Your daughter may not want to "talk about it" but if you promise not to engage in an ongoing dialogue every time you see her (which is perhaps what she fears most because of a guilty conscience), you can ask her for one sit-down conversation at which time she can explain to you what she feels and why and you can explain to her what you feel and why. And in that kind of setting, law as law and gospel as gospel will be your primary tools as you sow the seed of God's Word.
- You can continue to testify to your daughter by attitude and lifestyle that she will observe. Here I am thinking of a cheerful, happy contentment and optimistic approach to daily life that gives Christ all praise and holds no grudges to those (including children) who disappoint or embrace ideologies contrary to your own. Continue to feed and fuel your own faith-life through the gospel, and as you grow spiritually you will also grow in your ability to cope with this disappointment, trust God's capabilities despite your limitations, grow more fervent in prayer, and ultimately serve as a billboard of Christian contentment and joy for people (including your daughter) who have temporarily at least settled for much less. The goal is to attract them winsomely to the Lord who gives his people, in addition to pardon and eternal life in glory, such blessings despite hardships during our earthly pilrimage.
-
Is it wrong to put a child up for adoption? What are circumstances, if any, when a Christian may give up a child for adoption?
It is not wrong to place a child for adoption. It is, however, often a painful decision. Within the Christian context there are two ways to look at it: biologically and beneficially. The biological perspective is that parents have a responsibility to raise their own children (Isaiah 49:15) or to entrust them to immediate family when they cannot (Exodus 2:1-9). The beneficial perspective focuses on benefiting the child's needs.
The Bible presents a clear, general directive: love God and love others (Matthew 22:37-40); family members head the list of "others" whom we are to love (1 Timothy 5:8).
God consistently describes the immediate family as mother, father, and child(ren). This is the ideal setting for raising children (Ephesians 6:1,4). Where there is no mother or father because of death or divorce, other family members and friends often take an active role in helping to raise the child(ren). Sadly, when a child is born outside of marriage, the child's mother often is left to raise the child alone.
When is it appropriate for a child to be placed for adoption? Because the biological mother often is the one facing this decision, let's use her perspective.
She typically is alone, perhaps young, poor, or facing some malady that makes it difficult for her to raise her child. Her decision often is complicated by an emotional attachment or a sense of biological duty. But she needs to remember God's command to be more mindful of others than of herself (Philippians 2:3-4), prayerfully consider whose welfare is being best served, and what is best for her child physically and spiritually.
It isn't wrong to place a child for adoption with someone else if there is reasonable assurance that God's directive on how to raise a child (Proverbs 22:6) will be met and that the child will learn about Jesus as Savior and Lord (2 Peter 3:18).
Birth mothers often describe making this difficult choice as "placing" their child for adoption. They view it not as a surrender but as an important parenting decision they are making for their baby.
-
What can parents do if children start to stray away from the faith and how can they prevent this from happening?
If you are certain your child is straying away from the scriptural truths of the Christian faith he or she was brought up with, chances are your child is having trouble seeing how those scriptural truths apply to his or her life right now. Perhaps the child is going through some problems and just cannot see how "church" is going to help. Perhaps the child has been fooled by the things of this world into believing that the Christian faith is "no fun" or will somehow withhold pleasure from his or her life.
The key is communication. No progress can be made in this area without calmly talking with your child. As a parent you have always wanted what is best for your child and this is no different. As children experience problems or changes that have them doubting how relevant the Christian faith is to their lives, parents want what is best for them. Parents want their children to be able to apply scriptural truths to the challenges, changes, and pleasures of this life because this is what is best for them. So parents talk to their children about these things. Where is the disconnect between the Christian faith and the child's life? What are the hurts or problems or issues that the child thinks cannot be helped by a healthy relationship with God? Let's talk about how God wants to bless us in every area of our lives, even the problems, because he loves us.A passage that has always helped me as a parent in this area is 1 Timothy 4:8: "Godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." Here God tells us that living a life that honors him holds out a promise for this life; namely, it allows us to enjoy life to the full with the joy, security, and peace of a solid relationship with him. The godly life also holds out the promise of something even better, eternal life, as God uses the gospel to keep us clinging to the Lord Jesus in faith and looking forward to heaven.
Recent Questions
Search the Archive
HAVE A QUESTION?
Search the Q&A archive to find answers from WELS seminary professors. Can't find your question in the archive? Submit your own.
